This time, it's personal...

I've been thinking a lot lately ("dangerous pastime, I know" to quote Beauty and the Beast haha). I've realized that my social life is lacking and 50% of it is my own doing. I think I've become more timid as I've grown up. I used to be so much more bold. I would go to a local concert and think nothing of it. I was there for the music and ignored any social awkwardness.

As years have progressed in my life, so have betrayals, criticisms, negativity...After much self-analysis, I've come to the conclusion that as a form of self-defense and preservation, my instincts have been to avoid such things. The way to avoid them has been to cut myself off from those places and people in which hurtful events have occurred. This town isn't super small, but it's small enough that you can run into ghosts from your past pretty easily.

But in an attempt to get myself out of a recent slump, and with the much-needed encouragement of a friend, I did take one chance last week. I went to a drum circle, in a place where a previous heart breaker of mine used to practice with his band. I was hesitant to go there because of the memories that building held for me. But it's a stupid building. His band no longer practices there, that band is no longer together. The building is owned by different people and houses a business. But for that stupid reason, I was afraid to go in there. I was afraid to face any memories it might stir up in me.

But I finally broke down and did it because I really wanted to try this drum circle. I played drums in high school marching band and it was the most fun part of high school for me. I haven't played drums in TEN years and I forgot how good it made me feel. In this drum circle, you just beat fairly simple, repetitive rhythms on a djembe of your choice from the shop with your hands. I did it for two straight hours. My hands were numb but I didn't care.

That experience made me realize something huge. I have been avoiding going out in the local music scene to protect myself. But in doing so, I've been eliminating one of the things in my life that brings me the most happiness. I have a bass guitar closed up in a case that I haven't touched in years. I used to go play and sing at open mic nights. It was one of the most courageous, emotional things I have ever done in my life. And I've been neglecting it.

Sure, there are a few other factors, working, trying to pay bills, daily stress...Sometimes at the end of the day, I just want to come home and relax, or I can't afford to go out. But I could still go "some"times. I don't have to go every night, or even every week, but a few times a month would even be an improvement. So that's a personal goal for me. I need to bring music back into my life.

Another one of my positive endeavors is writing. I have slightly gotten back into that from starting this blog, to writing a music review for the paper, to recently writing in a journal again. Just writing personal stuff like this is good for me. I think it helps me gather my thoughts and deal with problems better.

Now I'm going to do a positive exercise for myself. I feel like my self-esteem has lowered, and some of that is because I've listened to the negativity of others in my past. I need to let go of their dumb criticisms of me and focus on compliments I've received.

To keep this simple, I'm going to state some physical compliments I've gotten from people in my life. Maybe another time I'll focus on other things. The physical features I have been complimented on the most often, are my hair and my boobs. The funny thing is, it's usually females that bring up those two points the most (no pun intended). But envy is probably a high compliment when you think about it.

A lot of women have envied my natural hair color and also the softness of my hair. Then I've gone and dyed it shades of red and purple at times haha! And the boobs, well that's pretty evident. But to any smaller-chested, envious women out there, I would gladly share some with you. I actually wish they were at least a cup-size smaller! So don't be too envious! Don't envy neck, shoulder and back pain, paying an arm and a leg for decent bras (which you have to order online because your size is never in stock in stores), OR the stereotypes that come along with having BOTH blonde hair and big boobs. But I was going to keep this positive...So, I do like my hair and my boobs. There we go.

A few other positive physical traits of mine are my smile and my eyes. I don't know if giggle is considered a physical trait, but I have been complimented plenty of times by both males and females, on my cute giggle. I've been told by both guys and gals, that I have beautiful eyes. And I've been complimented on my smile the most often by men. The funniest physical compliment I think I've ever received, was the one time a guy told me that I had hips like an underwear model. I still find it hilarious, because I in no way look like any type of model! But I guess I do have very sharp angles to my hips, and that's what he meant. Just don't look for me in any underwear ads because that will never happen!